Love vs Obsession: Understanding Healthy and Unhealthy Attachment

It was a pleasure to be invited as a guest on The Morning Cruise with Thando “Oli” Msiza on Unisa Radio, where I joined the conversation as a clinical psychologist to unpack a topic that resonates widely but is often misunderstood — the difference between love and obsession.

The discussion was framed around a clear and important question: how do we help people recognise when affection crosses into unhealthy attachment?

In approaching this conversation, I was mindful of the nature of radio as a medium — immediate, accessible, and deeply personal. The aim was not only to provide psychological insight, but to translate clinical understanding into language that listeners could recognise in their own relationships.

When strong feeling is not the same as healthy love

A central theme of the discussion was that healthy love and unhealthy attachment can sometimes look similar on the surface, particularly in the early stages of relationships where intensity is often normalised or even romanticised.

What distinguishes the two is not the presence of strong feeling, but the quality, flexibility, and impact of that connection.

What healthy love looks like

We explored how healthy love is characterised by mutual respect, emotional safety, autonomy, and the capacity for both closeness and individuality.

In contrast, obsessive or unhealthy attachment often involves:

• A need for control or constant reassurance
• Difficulty tolerating separation or independence
• Heightened anxiety around abandonment
• Patterns of monitoring, intrusion, or emotional volatility

Importantly, I emphasised that these patterns are not always rooted in malice. They are often linked to attachment insecurity, anxiety, or unresolved relational experiences. This allowed the conversation to remain compassionate while still clearly identifying risk.

Early warning signs that are often misread

A key part of the discussion involved helping listeners recognise early warning signs — particularly those that are frequently misinterpreted as signs of “deep love.”

• Excessive messaging or checking in
• Rapid escalation of emotional intensity
• Discomfort with boundaries
• The expectation of constant availability

We spoke about how these behaviours, when persistent, can signal dependency rather than connection, and may place strain on both individuals within the relationship.

Redefining what healthy connection means

The conversation was not only about identifying risk, but also about redefining what healthy connection looks like.

I encouraged listeners to consider whether their relationships allow for:

• Emotional expression without fear
• Disagreement without escalation
• Independence without threat

These markers serve as practical indicators of relational health.

A question for self-reflection

Given the public and diverse nature of the audience, it was also important to ground the discussion in self-reflection rather than judgement.

Listeners were encouraged to ask themselves:

The conversation ultimately aimed to empower individuals with both language and awareness — to better understand their own relational patterns, to recognise when support may be needed, and to approach both themselves and others with greater psychological insight.

Key message

What I hoped listeners would take away from the discussion is this: